About this newsletter: It’s devoted to short fiction, with occasional lurches into satire, social commentary, and other nonsense.
What’s a loon, you ask?
Well, they’re a couple of things.
A loon is a large North American bird that eats fish. Like a duck, only it makes a mournful cry instead of a quack.
It’s also slang for a person who’s crazy, silly, or strange. We have a lot of loons here on Substack, and a lot in New Hampshire, too. I’d include myself in both categories.
Loons (the duck things) are always on the lookout for mermaids. First, because they’re voyeurs, and second, if you did nothing but swim around a pond all day, you’d get bored, too.
Here are some other things they’re always looking for:
1. Paper boats
Loons figure there must be some kindly grandfather nearby, and they hustle over and tie his shoelaces together and steal his money.
2. Dead bodies
When they find one, they like to put on those trilby hats like Inspector Clouseau wears and swim around the body saying, “I suspect everyone!!” With a French accent, of course.
3. Joe Biden
Joe turns up in New Hampshire occasionally because someone told him he’s running for reelection. Loons like Joe because he walks like them.
4. Drones
Loons always look up and wave just in case they wind up on YouTube.
5. Bikini bottoms
It’s probably best not to discuss loon fetishes here, even though I could rack up an easy 100K views if I did.
6. Autographed pictures of Mark Armstrong
You’d be surprised at the valuable stuff folks throw away.
7. Fish
Loons only count fish during their annual fish eating contest, and — trust me here — you don’t want to know the details.
8. Frogs on lily pads
Loons like to swim under them and tip ’em over and yell, “Got one!!”
9. COVID masks
Loons mail them to Dr. Fauci with a note saying he’s being fined $500 for pollution and sign it “New Hampshire Fish & Game Department.”
10. Penguins
New Hampshire gets the occasional South Pole tourist who believes there’s more to life than waddling around in the snow and freezing cold.
11. Smart phones
Loons find phones all the time because a lot of folks won’t go in swimming without them. The loons make a fortune selling ’em on eBay.
12. Boats with funny names
Like Sea Señor, The Codfather, and Fishful Thinkin’. Loons like to swim alongside these boats singing The Wreck of Edmund Fitzgerald.
13. Moose
When they see a moose, loons yell, “Hey Bullwinkle, where’s Rocky?? Ya seen Dudley Do-Right lately?? Nyah-nyah!!”
14. Inflatable dolls
In New Hampshire, it’s like finding a wife who ran away from her husband.
15. People walking along the shore thinking deep thoughts
Few and far between. Plenty of folks thinking shallow thoughts, though.
16. Lottery tickets
But only if they’re Powerbill or Megaducks tickets.
17. Beach balls that floated away
The loons look for a kid crying on the beach and send him a ransom note.
18. Rubber duckies
A sure sign Mark Armstrong’s been dumping his dirty bathwater into the pond again, and that loons should leave the area immediately.
The Story Behind This Post:
This post was inspired by the cartoon used for the header illustration.
Here in Harrisville, NH, there’s a group of women who meet at the town beach during the summer, and go swimming at 7 AM. They call themselves The Harrisville Mermaids. No joke.
We have loons on Harrisville Pond, and you can sometimes hear their distinctive mournful cries. I did the cartoon for a local publication.
About Mark Armstrong: Mark’s an illustrator specializing in humor, branding, and content marketing. He writes about visual communication. He also writes humor and short fiction. He published his first children’s book, Fred The Coconut, in June.
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you and me are both in the loony bin together. what do we do first.
👀 looking out for them loons...they seem like my kinda "people"! 😊