How To Turn Garbage Into Literary Gems
Respect your readers: always REFINE rubbish before recycling it
The brain’s Executive Control Network had called an emergency meeting.
A spokesman for the Salience Network explained the situation.
“The subject was stranded in an airport lounge. He watched CNN for over two hours. Then he read an editorial in a New York Times someone had discarded.
“He also overheard a discussion about free-range eggs and the benefits of an ovo-lacto vegetarian lifestyle.”
The Prefrontal cortex spoke up: “Isn’t it part of your job to filter that stuff before it gets passed along?”
Salience got defensive. “You can only do so much. The subject had previously browsed trashy souvenirs in one of the shops. It overwhelmed the Insula, and shorted out a shield array in the Amygdala.”
The Nucleus Accumbens nodded. “We hadda release a boatload of dopamine after the subject saw one of those stupid I ❤️ Moose bumper stickers they make in Vermont. Plus he got a big kick out of a Times crossword clue that said, ‘You’re not apt to find an American here.’ The answer was CHEESE TRAY.”
The Anterior Cingulate Cortex groaned, and the Ventral Pallidum chuckled.
The Thalamus cleared his throat. “The subject also spent a lot of time on his phone. He read dozens of Substack Notes where people humble-brag about getting their millionth subscriber, and making six figures a year.
“He also scrolled through porn sites, game sites, toxic subreddits, Instagram vacation photos, and YouTube videos.”
“Did he get Wordle?” asked the Temporal Lobe, who was very competitive.
“No. It was an easy one, too.”
“I suppose he watched cat videos?” sniffed the Olfactory Nerve, who always liked to think the worst of people.
“Mercifully, no,” said the Occipital Lobe, “but he did watch that compilation video where all the Democrats say Biden is as sharp as a tack. It goes on forever.
“Then he watched a music video by The Antifa Ramblers called “This Land Isn’t Your Land, It’s Our Land,” with Karen Bass on bass, and Gavin Newson on ukulele. There’s a number you can call to buy a brick for a peaceful protester.”
The Hypothalamus and the Pituitary Gland exchanged a glance. “That explains that nasty chemical surge,” said Hypo, as he was known to his friends.
The ECN’s chairperson rapped her gavel. “We’re used to all the garbage that rolls in here,” she said, “but the subject may have overdosed himself this time, and put us all in danger…”
“Oh, I shouldn’t think so,” said the Default Mode Network. He spoke rather dreamily, which was fitting because he specialized in the kind of unfocused thought that often leads to new ideas.
“He’s right,” said the Limbic System. “The subject’s a writer. He thinks he’s funny. He’s always trying to make people laugh. All that garbage is just grist for the mill. He’ll twist it around and make new, funny garbage.”
The Inferior Parietal Cortex and the Left Supramarginal Gyrus who’d been doodling and scribbling on their yellow legal pads, leaped to their feet. They were little hotshots who came up with new ideas by integrating existing knowledge and kicking it around.
“He’s using all that garbage to write a new Substack post,” they chorused. “And it’s gonna be great!!”
Boy, they sure were right about that.
FWIW: I also have a Substack newsletter devoted to self-publishing. Specifically, all the things I’m learning and need to know so I can self-publish my first children’s book. If that’s something that interests you, you can check out one of my self-publishing posts here.
And if you enjoyed this post, I’d appreciate a restack!! 🥞😋💦
You have much knowledge.
My brain is always two steps ahead of me. No, twenty.