Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Space Tourism
But didn’t have the g-force to ask
About this newsletter: It’s devoted to short fiction, with occasional lurches into satire, social commentary, and other nonsense.
Hey everybody, it’s time for Ask A Billionaire, and our guests today are Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, and Elon Musk.
Welcome, billionaires, and thanks for joining us here on Earth today. You’re all in the space tourism business now, am I right?
Bezos: Just as sure as I’m wearing my lucky cowboy hat.
Branson: I’m definitely looking for space virgins.
Musk: If you’ve got the Dogecoin, I’ve got the rocket. Floki!
What are the names of your companies?
Bezos: Blue Origin — and I don’t want to hear any smurf jokes.
Branson: Virgin Galactic. Even though I’ve lost my space virginity. And sooner than Jeff, I might add.
Musk: Space X. I’ve been under pressure to add a Y chromosome, but I’m sticking with X. Floki!
The tickets are what? — about $400–500K each? What about senior citizen discounts?
Bezos: It all depends on whether they have a Blue Origin account, or Blue Origin Prime.
Branson: I’d knock off a thousand for George Takei, but he’d have to wear his old Star Trek uniform.
Musk: If they pay in Dogecoin, they’ll receive a 5% discount and a complimentary prune juice. Floki!
Will you have in-flight movies?
Bezos: People will be able to watch security cam footage from Amazon warehouses. We’re gonna find out who’s goofing off.
Branson: We’ll be offering a choice of two films on our first tourist flight— Alien or Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Musk: Is Plan 9 the one with Sigourney Weaver in her underwear or was it Bela Lugosi in a speedo? Floki!
Will you be serving meals and drinks, or just peanuts?
Bezos: We’ll be releasing two pre-cut pizzas when we achieve zero-gravity. You get to eat whatever you can catch.
Branson: Drinks start at $100 each, and they’ll be in weird futuristic glasses like on the old Star Trek series.
Musk: We’ll be serving a Universal Basic Meal— DogeBurger, DogeFries, DogeShake. Floki!
Will passengers be able to choose a restroom based on their declared identity?
Bezos: We don’t encourage our warehouse employees to use restrooms, regardless of their identity. ‘Nuff said.
Branson: We’ll have straight, gay, male, female, cisgender, transgender, bisexual, pansexual, peterpansexual, nonbinary, and gender non-conforming restrooms — but they’ll all lead to the same toilet.
Musk: Pronouns suck. SpaceX will just have two restrooms— one for me, one for everybody else. Floki!
What about postcards? Tourists like to buy postcards.
Bezos: Postcards will be available in the duty-free shop. You can also buy Star Trek stamps. They were discontinued in 2019, but we’ve been hoarding them in an Amazon warehouse.
Branson: We’ll have postcards for purchase, including one showing the mastodon skull at the Geronimo Springs Museum in Truth Or Consequences, NM. We expect that to be a top seller.
Musk: We’ll be selling NFP’s— Non-Fungible Postcards starting at $1000. Payment must be in Dogecoin. Floki!
Will your flight cross the Kármán Line?
Bezos: Because you’re mine, I cross the line. I was quoting space pioneer Johnny Cash there. Hey, Porter.
Branson: I’m a daredevil and a flamboyant entrepreneur. I cross lines, and so will my space flights. And don’t call me Porter.
Musk: Does a Big Falcon Rocket shoot in the woods? We’re going to the moon, baby! Hey, Porter, give my love to Floki!
Everyone wants the zero-gravity experience — any safety concerns?
Bezos: We know everyone will want to do a somersault. We’re going to cap it at three, because too much sault is bad for you.
Branson: We know it’s all gonna wind up on YouTube, so no nudity. No skirts or kilts, even if you identify as Scottish.
Musk: We need to keep people safe, especially if they bought their $55M ticket on installment. Everyone will be required to have a service animal. A Shiba Inu. Floki!
And finally, should people bring their own motion sickness bag, or will those be provided?
Bezos: A bag will be included in our in-flight magazine, The Amazonian. You pull the bag out like a centerfold.
Branson: We’re going to require that you keep your space helmet on at all times. So— no need for a bag, use your helmet.
Musk: We’re going to have a pre-flight screening of my Saturday Night Live guest host gig. If you can sit through that without any queasiness, you should be good. Floki!
Thank you, billionaires! I’m sure our audience will find this as fascinating and helpful as I did. Floki!
About Mark Armstrong: Mark’s an illustrator specializing in humor, branding, and content marketing. He writes about marketing and visual communication. He also writes humor, short fiction, and the occasional reflection.
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Hahaha, that was fun! As always!