Did George Washington Really Identify As A Woman??
History can be a real drag
About this newsletter: It’s devoted to short fiction, with occasional lurches into satire, social commentary, and other nonsense.
I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors.
That George Washington — famous Revolutionary War hero, American President, and naughty little cherry tree chopper — sometimes wore a… dress?
No? — well, you’re hearing those rumors now.
I checked with Dr. Mortimer R. Monger re same. Dr. Monger used to be a professor of American Colonial Trivia and Gossip at Keene State College. He now sells onion sandwiches at softball games.
(He needed a career change. Hey, don’t we all??)
He said that while there’s no direct evidence that Washington ever wore a dress, there are several theories about why he may have done so.
He had Scotsmen in his regiment during the Revolutionary War, and may have decided to wear a kilt to express solidarity. Like many men he was inarticulate about fashion, and may have bought a dress by mistake. Or it may have been on the sale rack at 75% off.
After he became President, someone told Washington he’d need to give a Presidential address. He was a little deaf at that point, after all the musket fire during the war, and he heard it as “get a Presidential dress.” The poor sap.
Another theory: one day George put on his wife Martha’s wig by mistake. After seeing himself in the mirror, he decided to put on some other things of hers, also “by mistake.” Uh-huh.
Everyone knows how his folks gave Little George an ax for his 6th birthday, and that he promptly went out and chopped down his dad’s favorite cherry tree. Psychologists with nothing better to do have surmised that his parents took away the ax and made him play with dolls, which caused gender confusion.
There are two theories about how Washington’s “crossing the Delaware” (to launch a successful surprise attack on British allies in Trenton, NJ) may have led to his wearing a dress.
The first: he was splashed by a fish with British sympathies during the crossing, and had to change into something warm while his uniform dried. A patriotic “camp follower” loaned him her dress.
A second theory: When Washington looked at the icy, turbulent waters of the Delaware, he asked an aide: “How the heck are we gonna get across??” The aide pointed at some cargo boats and said: “There’s our trans, sir!” — meaning “transport.” The word “trans” caused Washington to rethink his gender, and led to a change of clothes.
(There’s actually a third theory: Someone told Washington it was “time to dress for the crossing,” but Washington heard it as “it’s cross-dressing time.” But that theory seems preposterous even to me, and I’ll believe just about anything.)
Why else would The “Father” Of Our Country have worn a dress?
He may have misunderstood the term “dress uniform.”
Guys had to wear as many layers as possible during that cold winter at Valley Forge.
He may have posed for a recruiting poster for women during the War.
During his Presidency, when his wife Martha was indisposed, he may have decided to fill in as his own First Lady.
And finally, it’s possible he may have filled in for a sick model at a charity fashion show to raise money for Revolutionary War vets suffering from “Long Frostbite” contracted during that bitter winter at Valley Forge.
Oh — he may have bought his dress at the Dollar Store. He was cheap. He knew how to stretch a buck.
About Mark Armstrong: Mark’s an illustrator specializing in humor, branding, and content marketing. He writes about marketing and visual communication. He also writes humor, short fiction, and the occasional reflection.
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Haven't you seen that famous painting, 'Washington Cross-dressing the Delaware' that appeared in Mad Magazine several years ago? Here's a link.
https://www.zazzle.com/washington_cross_dressing_the_delaware_poster-228868642627927090?msockid=0ea03786141f670a12db2282150d66d9